The Story of HER. (HERstory)

When I chose the brand HER...Healed Empowered Restored, I just thought it was catchy, cute, and inspirational. But then one day I ran into my soon-to-be ex-husband's current paramour at the convention center.  I overheard her talking ro somebody saying "That's her right there."  It wasn't until then that I fully decided to become and remain 

HER.  HEALED EMPOWERED AND RESTORED

I had experienced three life-altering losses  in one year, my mind shut out 2 of them; the separation and the unemployment. I guess my mind has its own defense mechanism. So, I only dealt with the the sudden loss of my mother. That was the most devastating loss of the 3he. While I was still mourning and grieving this loss, my ex filed for divorce in 2006. I had no desire or strength to deal with that at that time so I said ok and we divorced and he kept everything and I got $10k. Hardly a pittance, but it was done and I could now finish the grief process of losing a parent. So, I did that. But had to go get that divorce stuff off the back burner in 2007 and deal with that. Easier said than done.

I didn't think I was affected so much by the divorce. It was a marriage that should have never happened in the first place. But I stuck it out for 16 years. I was submissive. I went to church, prayed, raised my 3 girls, and was a devoted and supportive wife and mother. But something happened when I turned 40. I had become a grown woman and I wasn't taking no more shit. I put my foot down and prayed that he would change and become the husband I deserved. But it didnt happen. I felt that God had forsaken me. Then, come to find out it was all a lie. At this point I became a cocaine addict. Marijuana was no longer enough. I lost every material possession I had and I was still unemployed. I got me a boyfriend who was a dealer so that  "could keep getting high. I didn't even like him, but he served a purpose. I still felt betrayed and forsaken by God. I tried counseling twice. The first time was with a female counselor, who, after 30 mintues of me talking had tears streaming down HER face. Then she touched my knee. i guess it was a comforting gesture, but I was not comforted and never went back. Then I went to a male. He immediately wanted to put me on Cymbalta. I refused to be medicated. I didn't think there was any medication that could help me.

By October, 2008, I realized that I had hit MY rock bottom. It was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death and I was tired of getting high. Suicidal, I went to the ER and was admitted to Belmont, with no medical insurance, but they had resources that allowed me coverage. I faked taking the meds they prescribed (LITHIUM< WTH? Then they tried to assure me it was ok..."it's the same meds Martin Lawrence takes" lmbo) anyway, I wasn't taking that mess.

Now, that's not to say that some people may need their medication. I'm not knocking anybody who takes them and it works for them. I just knew that wasn't what I needed.

I stayed in Belmont for 8 days. Watche the Phillies win the Championship there. Came home. Put distance between me and the boyfriend ( I was still unemployed). Never went to any meetings but stayed clean...for a while.

Where were my family? Friends? Who knows? Who cares? I obviously didnt need any of them. When you look up and all you have is GOD, then guess what? GOD is all you need! I'm a witness! I had like 3 friends who stuck with me thru thick and thin. My children had gone to live with their father and he was now taking me to court for child support. They didn't know what was really happening to me because I always kept on my mask for them. But they're not stupid. They definitely knew I wasn't the same.

On Dec. 8th I started working, making less money than I have EVER made in my ENTIRE life, and had an eviction notice. Oh Yeah, I had also started gambling and often too rent money from boyfriend to casino. Didn't know what I was going to do, but I knew that I was NOT moving with the boyfriend. So I just kept praying..and looking for apartments. On Christmas of that year, I got high.

By February 2009, I had found an apartment on craigslist. I called the young lady and when she told me the location I said never mind. She convinced me that it wasn't that bad and to at least come look at it. Here I am about to be homeless and being choosy. lol Low and behold it is a beautiful apartment! Spacious only one bedroom, but hey, it's only one of me. I got a sofabed in case kids wanted to come spend some time. The young lady wanted to sublet her apartment and move with her significant other to their City Ave. apt. She didn't want a deposit, I just had to pay the monthly rent until her lease was up in July. PRAYER WORKS.

By the time her lease was up, I still didn't have money for a deposit, but the landlord let me make an arrangement to pay him a little extra each month!

So, when I say I'm healed, I'm thinking that I'm healed from all the hurt, bitterness and anger that I was experiencing. Healed from the scars of emotional, mental and physical abuse. Healed from not loving me. With no medication.


I've learned to love myself. Flaws and all.

Next to loving Jesus, that's the greatest love of all!

I thought I had begun to be empowered when I got a job. But that's not true. I became empowered when I stopped allowing substances to control my life. I became empowered when I stopped using them as a crutch to hide the pain in hurt I was experiencing. I became empowered when I took my power back and stopped allowing circumstances and people control my actions.

Restoration came only after I surrendered to Jesus. I had to realize that I have absolutely NO control over ANYTHING except my relationship with Him. I couldn't control my hurt, anger, bitterness I had to surrender it to Jesus...AND LEAVE IT WITH HIM. Only then would I begin the restoration process.

This is a daily thing. I have to surrender daily.

Long story short.

Healed...Empowered...and Restored.

Excess Death Estimates in Patients with End-Stage Renal Disease — United States, February–August 2020

As hard as I wanted to and planned on writing about my Chronic Kidney Disease journey, is as hard as it has been for me to begin writing about my journey. It has truly been a roller coaster ride of a journey that is most times very draining for me to recall.  I'm just not ready.

But the other day, a Facebook memory popped up.  It was a video of my fellow dialysis patient, Ms. Kourtney. Those of you who know me know that she already had a special place in my heart once I learned her name. Kourtney with a "K".  That's my youngest daughter's name.

Md.Kourtney was an older, very fragile woman who was always dressed nice and had everything one would need to make you as comfortable as possible during treatment.  But she was always so sad.

When we first met, she had just finished her 4-hour treatment and was waiting to be picked up. (Ms. Kourtney lived in a Nursing Home and like most of the older patients relied on strangers for almost every aspect of her life. And health.) I was waiting to go in.  She was sitting there moaning and crying because...well dialysis can do that and much worse to a person.  You could tell her family made sure that she had the best of everything, but did not have a lot of time.  What I came to learn is that if you don't have people who show their faces or call to check on what's happening with you, you will almost assuredly fall prey to neglect and apathy.

I as known as THE CANDY LADY because, well I always had candy.  Jolly Ranchers were my specialty.  I offered a few to Ms. Kourtney during our first encounter and we'd been friends ever since.  Then one day, somehow we were on the same schedule. When I came in she was already on the machine and was moaning and groaning. I was positioned where I could see her and the people on either side of her.  I was still pretty new to dialysis, but I could see that her machine was running twice as fast as the ones on either side of her.  As I said, she was an older and very frail woman.  She sat in between two younger men whose machines were going much slower than hers.  Then I looked at mine.  It was about the same rate as Ms. Kourtney's two neighbors.

Let me explain what I mean when I say her machine was running much faster.

Dialysis is the most unnatural process in the world.  The machine actually removes blood from your body, filters it, and puts it back.  The speed at which the process goes can be changed to different degrees of fast and slow.  If it is too fast it will drain you and cause you to be uncomfortable and in pain and/or cramping.  So for the life of me, I couldn't understand why they didn't slow down Ms. Kourtney's machine.  

This went on for about 3 more sessions.  On that 4th session, I could tell that Ms. Kourtney was tired.  The moans and groans were now accompanied by cries of "TAKE ME NOW JESUS. PLEASE TAKE ME NOW"  She kept repeating over and over and over. I knew she was done when she didn't want any candy.  She waved me off and away.  I know that would be the last time I'd see Ms. Kourtney.  And it was.  She went home and died peacefully in her sleep that night.  I was very hurt.

I often wonder if Ms. Kourtney had a relative who called to see why she was always complaining of being in so much pain and what could be done about it.  I didn't like the way they handled Ms. Kourtney.  I will never forget her.  

Everything I do as it relates to CKD is dedicated to Ms. Kourtney And others like her.

" TIME ISN'T THE MAIN THING, IT'S THE ONLY THING" Miles Davis

 Four years.

It has been 4 years since my last post on my blog. There has just been so much going on.  I feel like Dorothy caught up in a tornado.  But the good news is that I RECEIVED A KIDNEY OF MARCH 16TH!

But I am working on it and believe me, it will be worth the wait.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support throughout the years.  

Please keep my Donor's family in your prayers.

I am sincerely and eternally grateful.

SPECIAL SHOUT OUT TO DELAWARE VALLEY NEPHROLOGY!  IF YOU EVER HAVE A KIDNEY PROBLEM GO SEE THEM.  THEY ARE THE BEST!